


Freed

by SongbirdAli



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Protective Dean Winchester, Self-Harm, Suffering Castiel, Winged Castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-25
Updated: 2018-09-25
Packaged: 2019-07-17 06:35:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16090070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SongbirdAli/pseuds/SongbirdAli
Summary: Castiel can't let go of the memory of Dean begging him for his life or of all the times Naomi made him go through the motions of killing Dean.  The guilt and stress is weighing heavily on him and he's self-harming to alleviate the anguish.  Can he find it in himself to stop?





	Freed

**Author's Note:**

> Anon request for self-harming Cas to be helped by Dean. I don’t pretend to know a lot about Self-Harm but I deliberately stayed away from typical means of self-harm in this story. Please feel free to call me out on my bullshit if I handled this badly, I’d like to learn to do better. As always, constructive criticism is more than welcome. <3

Cas wandered around the bunker unsure of what to do with himself. Sam and Dean were out on a hunt and they’d told him to stay behind. His behavior had been erratic and they thought he needed rest. What that meant exactly, he didn’t know. He assumed they needed a rest from him. 

The truth was, he really hadn’t been himself lately. Ever since the day he’d recovered the angel tablet, He’d been lost in his head and couldn’t seem to find a way out. His heart ached and his mind was reeling, he was desperate to get relief from the memory of Dean pleading with him to stop. And the memory of all those time’s he’d had to practice killing Dean so that Naomi would know he was ready all but made him ill. He knew it wasn’t really Dean but all he can see is the blood on his hands and the feeling of his heartbeat dropping off. 

Naomi had relished each success as she tried to turn Castiel away from Dean. It hadn’t worked in the end, Dean’s pleading, that “I need you…” through his gritted teeth, had pulled him out of her control but the guilt… The guilt was overwhelming.

He needed to feel something. Anything but this. He made his way back to his room and quietly shut the door behind him. Her removed his coat and laid it across the bed, calmly and smoothly as if performing a ritual. Next it was his tie, a slow methodical untying before draping it over the bedpost. His blue eyes lingered over the satin and the raging emotions within him began to still. Finally, his fingers slowly began unbuttoning the white dress shirt that was the last barrier between himself and relief. His ears picked up the sound of each button releasing from it’s threaded confines. When the shirt fell open and the sleeves caressed his forearms as it fell to his fingertips, he placed it on top of the coat and released his wings with a heavy whoosh of air. 

Moving over to stand before the mirror, Cas studied his face. The dark circles under his eyes that spoke of his worry, the creases on his forehead that told of his stress and guilt. He didn’t want to do this but it was the only thing that seemed to give him any relief, however short-lived.

His blue eyes squeezed shut as the fingers of his left hand combed gently through his right wing. There were already holes from where he’d pulled other feathers loose. He didn’t care what his wings looked like, they weren’t on display for anyone to see, no one would ask why they were in such condition. 

His fingers grabbed on to a new feather, one that was held tight to it’s wing. When he started to pull the pain shot through to the base of his wing, a grimace crawled across his features. When it finally came loose he gasped in relief, a physical pain momentarily relieving an emotional one. Moving his attention to the other wing, he began the selection process again. Feeling the feathers between his fingers, determining which one was best.

“Cas?” Dean pushed through the door, concern all over his face. His heart squeezed as he looked at his angel, cheeks wet with tears, a bloodied feather in tight within his fist. “Cas, what on earth?”

“Dean, I’m sorry, I…” He turned to face him as he spoke and felt a wave of nausea when he saw the shock on Dean’s face. 

“Cas, why are you pulling your feathers out? What is happening?” The hunter strode to stand between his lover and the mirror. He had known something was wrong but didn’t know how wrong. His hand cupped Cas’ cheek allowing his thumb to stroke away the wet tear tracks. His free hand stroked gently through Cas’ feathers, straightening and soothing. He only let his wings out when they made love so to see them in this context was strange and pulled at Dean’s gut in a way he didn’t like but couldn’t articulate.

Cas brushed Dean’s hands away roughly and spun to sit on the side of the bed.“It’s the only thing that gives me any relief. All I think about is how I could have killed you…how I hurt you. I can’t get it out of my head and it’s making me crazy. Dean, I love you, I don’t ever want to hurt you again but what if…” He let the words fall and covered his face with his hands.

A sigh escaped Dean’s lips as he scrubbbed a hand through his hair. Stepping between the other man’s knees, he pulled him in close against his chest and carded his fingers through his hair as he spoke.

“We’re going to get through this, baby. You weren’t yourself, you know that I don’t blame you. You know that I…I love you more than life. There are doctors that help with this kind of thing so we’ll figure out how to get you what you need.” Dropping to his knees to take the other man’s face in his hands, green eyes found blue as he trailed his thumb across Cas’ bottom lip. “Don’t hurt yourself anymore. I can’t stand the thought of you causing yourself pain. Promise me you’ll let me help you.”

Cas was exhausted. Dean’s profession of love and concern had allowed a rush of emotion he’d tried to dam up. He kissed the pad of Dean’s thumb and then rubbed his cheek against his rough palm.

“I promise, I’ll let you help me. Just,please, stay with me.” That was all he needed to hear. Dean’s lips were warm and soft against Cas’s slightly chapped ones as his wings seemed to evaporate away along with the worry of how he was going to keep going. Whatever happened, they’d go through it together and together they could weather anything.


End file.
